July 12 was Oliver's due date.
Somehow, the idea that he would be 5 today, if it had all gone to plan is so bizarre. There are so many timelines in my mind, would he already be 5, on his delivery date back in May? Or would today be the day we would have our son turning 5? When I think of my children, sometimes I think of him as the oldest, because he came first, but then he is also forever my baby.
This feels like it matters, like I need to know if in an alternate universe somewhere I'm sending David out for last minute party supplies (there is no universe where I remember them all the first time) am I decorating a cake? Are Elliot and Clara there? Who would my 5 year old be?
I think every loss parent must feel this other possibility, somewhere in the back of your mind always. What would the world be like if you were here?
But he isn't, so we have to just do what we can to make the world a bit better, on his behalf. So today I will hug my kids an extra time for their brother, find a charity that supports children that I can donate to, and appreciate the life that I have. We miss you Oliver.
Love Mama
