Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dear Oliver

Dear Oliver,
This last week has been better. It has been easier to go out in to the world and do things. More than once I have gone the whole day without crying. I still miss you every second of every day, but I'm starting to look forward now. I have to. I have to think about going back to work, and the future.

At first the idea if the future offended me. The idea that the world could just keep going without you was horrible. How could people just go to work and do things and live their lives? I was mad, that the whole world didn't end just because mine did.

In the last week it has been easier to think of the future. I hate that you won't be in it. I hate that when we buy a house you won't have a bedroom. When I have another baby you won't get to know your brother or sister. When I think of our future in 5 or 10 years, it hurts knowing you should be there. But when I do those things I will carry you with me. When we buy a house you will be in all of it. We will put your pictures up on the walls, and think of you in every room if the house. When I get pregnant again, we will make sure that the brother or sister you have, knows about you.

Right now I am just thinking about you and how beautiful you made my life and how much I love you. Tomorrow you would have been full term. You would have been huge, and I should be waddling uncomfortably around the house right now. There are so many things that should be. You should be here. I'm sorry that you are not. But here it not I will always love you.

Love mama

1 comment:

  1. I walk into stores and see circus themed items that make me think of Oliver. All the time. Cloth diapers, city select strollers, little summer outfits that I wish I could send to him. Just tonight it happened where I saw an item online. It made me sad and as I remembered him, the story of your mom accidentally recording you 3 at the hospital instead of taking a photo came to mind. And I started laughing. How can I not when I picture your mom telling us the story? Even amidst the sadness and healing there can be bright moments, and those bright moments are what get us through.