People keep asking how we are doing. It is a common question, I doubt anyone really thinks before they ask. Especially because they are concerned, and they want the answer to be that we are doing well.
But we are not. How do you answer that question? I'm not dead, so that's good. Even though my heart felt like it was going to stop, it didn't so I kept going. (I suppose I should add that I don't want to die, I am just surprised that I haven't) when you are pregnant one day, and then the mother of a stillborn baby the next, you feel like a part of you is just gone. It would be like if you woke up one morning and found out you didn't have lungs anymore, but you were still alive anyway.
The physical feeling of missing your baby hurts. Every time you eat food and he doesn't kick. Or you stand up, and your weight doesn't shift. Or you see something that you want for him in the future, and you remember that he doesn't get one. He will never swing on those swings, or wear the shoes or call you mommy. It is like losing 2 babies, the one inside you, and the one you were so excited to meet.
So what so you say when people ask how you are? When there is nothing that they can do?
Today I am spending the day crying at home. I'm not saying this so that people will call, or check on me, or contact me. I'm writing this for the woman who has lost a child, who survives one day, and the next day finds that she just can't face the world. Because some moments feel ok. You watch tv, and go to the store and spend time with the people you love and in those moments you feel like you can survive. Then you see the stroller you ordered or hear a child ask for their mom, and your heart breaks all over again, and it's like there is no air in the room.
Today I can't get how much I miss Oliver out if the front of my mind. Today is going to be full of crying and pain and the empty feeling of knowing I never get to see his perfect face or hold him or feed him ever.
Today I am not ok.