Father's Day

I never thought father's day would be a hard day for me. I have a great relationship with my dad, and I was looking forward to taking my kids to home depot to buy tools for David, and helping them make breakfast in bed for him.

Today is a hard day for us. It is hard to think about being a parent when you never got to do any parent things. No late night feedings, no diaper changes. For David this means never getting to hear his son's voice. Never getting to tell him how much he was loved.

But he knew. Oliver would kick me so much whenever David would sing. He recognized his voice, the voice of his daddy telling him things through my belly. He loved the high notes especially.

I will never forget the first time David felt Oliver kick. He was working on a song for an audition, and every time he would sing a high note I would feel those little feet getting excited. Up until that point I could feel him move, but he hadn't kicked hard enough for David to feel. Since David wanted to feel those kicks he put on his favorite tenor and sat with me and felt his son be excited about music.

Thinking about that moment makes me cry now because I'm sorry that they won't get the opportunity to sing together. David will never get the chance to wave to his son from stage. To teach him to sing or to sing him to sleep.

The only consolation I have is knowing that Oliver got to hear his daddy sing. He got to hear his daddy talk to him and tell him about all the things he was excited for them to do together. At night before going to sleep David would put his hand on my belly and talk to his son. He would talk about all the plans and dreams we had for him, and tell him about his day. He would tell his son all the things he wanted to do.

Endorphins cross the placenta, which means that when you are pregnant, anytime you are happy, those same endorphins that flood your brain with happy feelings go to the baby as well. So every time David took care of us, Oliver got to feel all the love and happiness.

I want to wish David a happy father's day today. He was the perfect father to Oliver, and the way he took care of me when I was giving birth was amazing. He deserves every moment of congratulations. Calling yourself a parent when you don't have a baby can seem fake. But it isn't. You are still a daddy even if your baby was taken too early. And David was the best daddy Oliver could have had.